As I sit here in this cell, pondering how the hell I ended up in this position, I all of a sudden remember the reason – Flappy Birds. Flappy mother f***** birds. The game that awakened anger in me I haven’t felt in years. It turned me against my family, my friends, and even my children. All because of a bouncing bird that was bullshit. I didn’t hit that damn pipe no matter what the game said. I just needed one more pipe and I would have moved on with my life. If only…
Blue Ball Score: 12 out of 25 balls
Anyway… simple gameplay, same ol’ landscapes/maps, not much else to say here. Due to simplicity, addicting factor, and if anything else, shits n’ giggles, I give this 5/5 balls.
Due to lack of depth, I give this a 2/5 balls.
After getting a high score on flappy birds, you were king of the mountain. But, once someone proved that they beat it, you were a mere peasant in their kingdom. You would stop at nothing to beat their score. With each pipe down, you inched closer and closer to gaining control back to your kingdom. As you were one pipe away, your hands start shaking, your body perspiring, your Johnson starts to stand at attention, you begin to get excited as you know you have won, and then BAM!!! THE GAME SCREWS YOU OVER AND SAYS YOU HIT THAT PIPE WHEN YOU DAMN WELL KNOW YOU DID NOT!!!
Your friend, begins laughing … hysterically. After this hour long journey to get as close as you did, and for nothing. You are no longer closer to beating that dirty skanky no good for nothing friend than you were an hour ago. The anger sets in … the rage begins to take over my body … all I remember is their laugh and me reaching over to get my precious hatchet. My final thought? Time for a little Call of Duty Tomahawk action.
So, here I am today. Sitting in this cell. With nothing but 2/5 balls and no pride left.
Graphics – Who doesn’t love a good 32-bit game in the 21st century? Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Sound – Two sounds this game contained. Heaven and hell. The annoying tap sound that sounded like an oversized pterodactyl doesn’t even count. Stupid. But, back to the point, the little “ba-ding” for success. And the little “hit a pipe, then deflate” noise was the bane of my existence. That noise was, and still is, enough to cause a Buddhist monk to go on a killing spree through the monastery. As stated above, it can resurface childhood anger that hasn’t seen the light of day since that terrible day Chuck pushed you down the slide.
Anyway… I just want to get this damn review over with. It is about time to go out in the yard. 2/5 balls.
Replay factor? If you have it, you should never play it again. Side effects include: anger, rage, killing, killing sprees, angry masturbatory sessions, stroke, heart attack, and/or a desire to throat punch squirrels. If you are fortunate enough to not have this game, consider yourself blessed. And no, don’t download the millions of spin-offs (AKA rip-offs) of this game. It isn’t worth it. Don’t do it to yourself. Go on, and live peacefully with your family. 1/5 balls.
In conclusion, this game is a new breed of hell on Earth. I hate it. It caused me to Tomahawk my friend right in between the eyes, my children just don’t understand, and my family has turned against me. Say what you want, but until you play it you just won’t understand the power of that bird. Simple, addicting, rage inhibitor, and just plain filthy like a woman I used to know named Diane. This game gets a grand total of: 12/25 balls.